My December
by SilverBlaze8
Summary: Pure angst. Harry is frozen unable to deal with Sirius's death and his part in leading him to his death. A slight Highlander crossover and a bit of slash. -This is my December This is me alone-


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and slight highlander and slash. **

**My December**

_This is my December__  
__This is my time of the year_  
_This is my December_  
_This is all so clear_  
_This is my December_  
_This is my snow covered home_  
_This is my December_  
_This is me alone_  
  
Harry didn't know what made him do it. Maybe he was just so crazy with grief. He knew he wasn't thinking clearly but he couldn't stay there. The Dursley's left him alone very scared the order would burst in if they so much raised their voice at him. Now they just acted as if he was invisible and that was fine with him he had even more time to wallow in his grief and pain.

Maybe that was what made it so easy. He was isolated form everyone and everything. It got to the point where he started to question himself. He wrote every three days but they were always short and to the point. 

Am doing okay -Harry

He didn't write anyone else. At first they sent hundreds of owls and he ignored them until they took the letters back. He didn't want to talk to anyone about his feelings. Didn't want them to say they understood they didn't understand. Couldn't understand. He had killed Sirius. Because of who he was and some stupid prophecy his godfather was dead. His parent and Cedric all died because of him. And now he didn't know what to do.

So he wandered around the city late at night. Lost and alone. Cold and numb. It didn't matter how hot it was he was always freezing. He didn't want to think didn't want to remember anything. Didn't want to feel or maybe he just wished he could feel some thing besides pain and grief. He always seemed to get the short end of the stick.

He couldn't deal damnit he was only 15 he wasn't ready to a killer. But that was his destiny either kill or die. He didn't want to die. He wasn't ready and there wasn't enough time. God he was just a kid but he would never be able to live the life all the other kids did. No on top of worrying about trivial stuff like school, homework and girls he had to worry about who would be next. Who would Voldermort go after next to get to him?

And even though they expected him to act grown up about it they still treated him like a kid. How do expect someone to act like an adult and still treat them as if they were five or a bit slow. He couldn't go to his friends they were in enough danger as it was and he had a feeling they wouldn't understand. No he was alone.

_And I__  
__Just wish that_  
_I didn't feel_  
_Like there was_  
_Something I missed_  
_And I_  
_Take back all_  
_The things I said_  
_To make you_  
_Feel like that_

He felt so lost and alone and that's when he knew he couldn't stay there anymore. He needed to go away and just think for a while. Without the hovering order members, meddling headmasters, and worried friends. He needed to truly be alone and think. He'd always been the perfect Gryffindor brave and full of courage ready to face everything head on. But what he needed now was his Slytherin side. The part of him that urged him to run away until he had a way to come out on top. To survive because that what Slytherin's do they survive by any means necessary.

It started with the orders letter telling him he would be able to go to headquarters next week. Sirius's old house. The house he hated. Harry could never return there. Harry wouldn't return there and that when he made up his mind to run away. He needed to run if only to figure out what he was going to do.

So he plotted and planned. He blackmailed and threatened his cousin out of all his money and most of Dudley's friends' money as well. He stole his aunt's secret stash that she thought no one knew about which came up to roughly a thousand pounds.

He had watched the order members watch him and learned their shifts all summer long. That gave him the gap he would need to get away. He packed a bag and with some wandless magic lightened it to weight nothing more than a feather. He only took a few pictures of himself, Hermione and Ron, his parent and Sirius and left the rest. He considered taking his wand but knew they could track him with it and left it behind. He took the knife Sirius gave him. And after Moody left he snuck out under the invisibility cloak and left. It had to be after Moody left because he couldn't take the chance Moody would see him with his magic eye.

He'd stayed up in his room not coming out most of the summer that they wouldn't notice till he was long gone but to be safe he'd made a magical copy that would fade 5 days later on the morning they were suppose to come for him.

_And I__  
__Just wish that_  
_I didn't feel_  
_Like there was_  
_Something I missed_  
_And I_  
_Take back all the_  
_Things I said to you_

The streets were harder that he thought they would be but as always he adapted. Hell he'd lived with the Dursley's half his life he could deal with almost anything. There was violence everywhere. Drugs, prostitutes, gangs, poverty were everyday in the slum he choose to live in. He picked up the accent and the slang quickly and in a week you couldn't tell him apart from any other street rat. He wanted to lose himself and he succeeded.

He wanted to forget and for a while he did using drugs, and girls, and violence. It was so easy to enter the vicious cycle because there no one expected anything from you. He fell in the bad crowd and didn't care he liked it there. He wasn't expected to be perfect or the Gryffindor golden boy. He killed on purpose for the first time at 16 in a knife fight in an alley and it was easy. The knife slid in as if it was butter instead of flesh and bone. The warm blood staining his hand and he'd started at it in a drug induced wonder for what felt like forever before running off at his friends insistence.

But one morning he looked in the mirror took in the bloodshot eyes, stubby face and shaggy hair and knew it was time to stop. So he practiced his magic without a wand and it was so easy he got mad that they lied about needing a wand. He ditched the bad friends and kept the not so bad ones. He picked pockets and boosted cars.

_And I give it all away__  
__Just to have somewhere_  
_To go to_  
_Give it all away_  
_To have someone_  
_To come home to_

He met him by accident. He picked his pocket and the man actually caught him. No one ever caught him.

The man wouldn't let go just looking deep into his eyes. Eyes Harry knew were empty and sad.

"Go home kid" the man said roughly

"I have no home" Harry said truthfully and walked away.

He had no family and no home. The Dursley's were not family just the muggles he was forced to live with. The Weasley's were the closest he had but he saw how quickly they had turned away from Percy and knew they would do the same to him. Even if Percy had turned his back first he was still their brother or son but they acted as if he wasn't. That wasn't family but then what did he know about family or love.

So Harry practiced magic without words just his hands and will to make it happen. He found obscure magic stores to buy books from in every subject even the dark arts. He knew they couldn't find him because he didn't want them too and his magic was strong enough to shield him. He dyed his hair blue and pierced his lip and eyebrow. After that he didn't recognized himself anymore in the mirror and knew he was truly safe.

He raced cars and earned money to soup up one of the cars he'd stolen and kept. When he was done with it no one would ever be able to connect it with the one he'd stolen.

And he met that guy again one night as he walked home from the magic club he'd found. He saw the man fight another and take the man's head with a sword. But the part that stuck out the most was how afterwards blue lightning came out and hit the man over and over. He collapsed exhausted and Harry knew magic when he saw it or at least its distant relative. He heard the cops coming and dashed pulling the man up.

"Come on we've gotta go, no way the cops won't catch you but I know my way around here" Harry said.

He didn't know why he was helping him just that he was.

"Thanks" the man said when he lead him 5 blocks down and far away from the cops.

"Whatever" Harry said and turned to leave.

"I'm Adam" the man called after him

Harry turned back and said "that's nice" still walking away.

"You?" Adam asked

"I'm still trying to find that out myself" Harry told him and left

_This is my December__  
__These are my snow-covered trees_  
_This is me pretending_  
_This is all I need_

And one day he knew it was time to visit Sirius again. He went to the unmarked grave they'd given him and stood there for the longest wishing he could cry but he was still too numb as if the world knew it began to rain crying for him. He was going through everyday as if it was a nightmare he would one day wake from. He sensed him coming and went deeper into the shadows by the tree.

It was Remus and he watched him from afar grieving the last of his friends. Remus sensed him too. He turned sharply squinting in the rain. There gazes locked and Remus uttered his name. Harry turned and walked away ignoring the way Remus yelled after him. He just apparated away. He couldn't return yet he still had no answers.

_And I__  
__Just wish that_  
_I didn't feel_  
_Like there was_  
_Something I missed_  
_And I_  
_Take back all_  
_The things I said_  
_To make you feel like that_  
_And I_  
_Just wish that_  
_I didn't feel_  
_Like there was_  
_Something I missed_  
_And I_  
_Take back all the things_  
_I said to you_

Harry didn't know what to do and Adam wasn't going away so Harry got used to having him seek him out.

"Why do you come to these dumps?" Adam asked

"To hide. To drown. To run" Harry told him

"Hide from what?" Adam asked

"Destiny" Harry said flatly

Adam didn't say anything after that but his eyes narrowed a bit. And so it continued. He told Harry what he was an immortal and Harry was thankful to not have been given that stick even though the one he had was crappy he couldn't handle the shit that was his life never ending. He slowly was coming back to himself and his heart was lightening a bit.

Adam was home. It was only natural that their relationship become more than friends. And for the first time in his life Harry began to wonder if this was love. He'd never loved anyone before and no one had ever loved him either.

_And I give it all away__  
__Just to have_  
_Somewhere to go to_  
_Give it all away_  
_To have someone_  
_To come home to_

"Adam have you ever killed not because you had to but because you wanted to? Because it was easy? Because there was no reason not to?" Harry asked one night after they'd fucked.

Adam sat up and pulled away from him

"Why?" Adam asked

"I...I don't know I'm just curious I guess. I mean how can anyone expect you to kill and not care? When you became immortal did you ever just lose it? I mean if it was me I think I would have lost it for a while. Hell I did lose it and I didn't even find out I was immortal just that...you know what never mind" Harry told him getting up and pulling on his pants.

"Yes. I have killed just because I could. Because I was immortal and suddenly couldn't see why I shouldn't after all they were beneath me. Nothing. I was Death" Adam told him.

"But you came out of it why?" Harry asked

"A girl actually. She was my slave to do with as I wished but she got away. I fell for her and then it just wasn't the same anymore I just couldn't run anymore." Adam told him

"Redeemed by love?" Harry asked dryly.

"No not redeemed I walked in the shadow far to long to ever be but I couldn't hide anymore. So I broke away and disappeared to start over again. I'm not a boy scout like Macleod and well I could never be because I don't have as many morals as he does. sometime you just do what you have to do to survive." Adam said lighting a cigarette

"They want me to kill him. To be their perfect little savior but I don't think I can do it. He's strong and he's killed almost everyone who's ever mattered to me. I could kill him it would be easy but I don't think I would survive as well. Does it make me a coward to run because I don't want to die?" Harry asked gazing blankly out the window.

Adam sighed and debated telling him. Pre-immortals were never suppose to know that they were going to die and come back. It made them reckless but the boy already had death looming in front of him at the most he probably had 2 years before he died his first death. Adam walked behind him and embraced him. Harry leaned back into him. they looked at the street below them and watched the snow drift down.

"Let you into a secret Harry. You won't die not unless he takes your head" Adam whispered in his ear

Harry turned started eyes up in Adam's direction. His mind whirled and he could help but laugh. And he had been so glad to have had that fate pass him over. he should have known.

"So that's why you been making me practice swords with you. Not because you needed a person to practice with but to train me" Harry said.

"I don't want you to die" Adam said

"Don't you know that my destiny Adam. To die or to kill. No matter what I never had a choice or a chance" Harry said burrowed deeper into his lovers arms.

"It'll get better Harry" Adam told him

"I guess well just have to wait and see won't we" Harry told him

They stood there and just watched the snow fall. Harry was glad he wasn't out there trudging through the ice and frost. He was glad he'd found Adam because while he was still alone and cold being with Adam warmed him a bit and for now he could convince himself it was enough. He wasn't going back not now but maybe some day.

_This is my December__  
__This is my time of the year_  
_This is my December_  
_This is all so clear_


End file.
